(This is lengthly so please bear with me to the end on this.)
Two weeks ago I had the opportunity to give a devotional thought and testimony at my work. (I work for the church sewing garments at Beehive clothing, so weekly devotionals are included to keep the spirit) As soon as my supervisor gave me the invitation to speak I just about lost it. I immediately knew what it was that I was suppose to talk about. Its a very personal matter that has been a struggle for me these past 9 months. Ive kept most people in the dark about what my husband and I have been going thru because it was hard for me to talk about it. Along the way I found that when I told close friends and family about it then it helped me heal. My devotional at work was a huge step, I hadn't' talked about it much at work and after our meeting I had so much emotion and strength. My hope was that if I could just help one person at my work than everything Ive been thru was worth it. Just a few days ago as I was bleary-eyed and dreading the next 8 hours a wonderful sister stopped me on my way into work. She said she had wanted to say thank you for awhile now for my devotional. She had been struggling with something similar and my testimony helped her understand that everything will be okay. She also told me she had come to realize that talking about her situation has helped her heal. I encouraged her to talk to me anytime she wanted. I have had many people tell me thank you for my talk and testimony that day, but this sweet sisters thank you meant the most. She was the one person I knew I was suppose to help by speaking that day.
Now for the reason I've been struggling:
In the last nine months I've been told I was going to be a mother twice, and that I had a brain tumor once. I was also told that the reason I don't have those two precious spirits with me here on this earth was because of that brain tumor. Kinda heavy huh.
I had my first miscarriage at almost 3 months. It looked like to me that January of 2011 was not kicking off the year with a very good start. I ended up having to have surgery because the process of the miscarriage was not going as fast as my doctors wanted. It was the worst week of my life. My surgery went well and I got lots of pain medication. I wasn't in much pain, at least physically. The emotional process of sorting all my thoughts out the next few months was horrible. I was sad, angry, depressed, and completely shut down for a bit. I had to learn to put on a happy face to go to work, family functions and dinners, and even church. The more I opened up about it to close friends and family the better I felt. The gave me such good words of wisdom and hope. They constantly kept reminding me that it wasn't my fault, nothing that I did caused this to happen.
I felt like I was on the road to emotional recovery when 4 months later I found out that I was once again pregnant. I had such a mix of emotions. Happy, nervous, scared. I didn't know if I was going to be able to handle such trauma again. With our first pregnancy we got to a point we thought it was safe to tell our families which made it quite a bit harder for everyone to heal. Whit this second Neil and I decided to keep it to ourselves until we were able to hear our babies heartbeat and everything had been cleared by the doctor. I also decided on a personal level that I wasn't going to get to attached to this pregnancy until that point. I had only known for about a week and a half that I was expecting when we ended up in the emergency room. This trauma and horror was happening again. It was much quicker this time, more painful, and as hard as I tried to prepare to not be attached emotionally to this child it didn't work.
The fact that we hadn't told our families was hard. My mother was upset when I called her later that evening and told her what had been going on. She only wanted to be there for us, and once again I had to lean on my family for several months. Go thru putting on a face and acting happy. It gets exhausting when your pretending, and the last several months I haven't been a very good actress.
A few weeks after my second loss my doctor decided she wanted to start blood work ups to see what was going on. Normally you don't start these until you have had three miscarriages in a row. I'm very blessed to have the doctor that I do. She was mainly worried about my progesterone. I thought that would be such a simple fix and then we would be able to get a beautiful healthy baby. My blood tests came back and I got a phone call while i was at work from my doctors office. She informed me that my progesterone was fine. I was so happy that wasn't' it. However she informed me that a hormone called Prolactin was very high and I needed to come in for and MRI on my brain immediately. I literally said to her "Wait, what?! Are you serious?". Prolactin is made in your pituitary gland, which sits in the center of your brain. Normal levels on Prolactin is 20 or below. Mine was 52. She explained to me that when your level was as high as mine it indicated that most likely there was a tumor on your pituitary gland. The over production of this hormone is what was causing my miscarriages.
(first of all, no one should be told that you have a brain tumor over the phone while your at work. The next few days were the worst I have had.)
I spent the morning of July 1st in a claustrophobic tube, or some like to call it and MRI machine. I had never had to have anything majorly medical done like this before and I was nervous. 45 minutes later I was done. The technician said that most likely I wouldn't hear back anything till after the holiday weekend. It looked like I was going to have a horrible 4Th of July waiting to hear about my brain tumor. By some hospital miracle they weren't very busy and were able to look at my brain scans that same day. I got a phone call later that evening while I was having dinner at my parents with my whole family. The nurse said that there was no outline of a brain tumor on my scans. Therefore I didn't have one. They were a little confused about it. My levels were so high they couldn't explain it. My whole family was so glad that there was no tumor. Tears and hugs defiantly made their rounds that evening. I had received a blessing a few days before, I knew that this was the reason everything was okay. I'm so blessed to be a part of this church and the priesthood that I have in my family.
The nurse had told me that I would have to start taking medication to bring down my prolactin levels. She had already called it in and I would start taking it that night. Ive been on medication for 2 months and just finished taking them last night. YAY!! The only thing I have left to do is a blood test in a month to make sure my levels stayed down. Please pray that they do. If not, who knows what our next move will be. Most likely I will have to stay on medication thru out any future pregnancy. I will have high risk pregnancy's the rest of my life and may have to have future MRI's to make sure nothing has developed as far as tumors go. If this is what I have to do to bring my children to this earth then I will. I will do anything as this point. I know I am suppose to have children, my patriarchal blessing has been a huge comfort for me in this.
Growing up in the church has taught me the Plan Of Salvation. Even tho in this life I won't be able to raise those two sweet spirits, I know they are waiting for me to return to them. With out this knowledge I don't know where I would be. Families are Forever. Some may say that because I don't physically have a child here on this earth that I'm not a mother. I am very much a mother and will argue that fact with anyone that wants to deny me that title.
My family and close friends have been the ones who have helped pull me thru all the trials this past year. I am so very thankful for them and their spirits. I also so very thankful for my husband Neil. He is such an amazing man and I couldn't live without him. I love him beyond any words can describe. So thank you to all those who have carried me, cared about me, and for all your concern. Here's to hoping that we will have a beautiful healthy child soon. :)
